Spiderman: Turn Off the Suck.

For Christmas this year I was able to go to New York City and check out a preview of Julie Taymor and Bono's Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, a three hour Spider Boner inducing extravaganza. That's what it is in theory anyway. In reality it is the most expensive Broadway show ever produced, and its elaborate 4 point fly system provides serious thrills for the audience, while at the same time providing serious injuries for the cast. While it provides an amazing spectacle with Julie Taymor's classic style and some awesomely elaborate costumes, it does some seriously stupid and inept things with the storytelling both through unnecessary plot and songs that only Bono could love. The particular production I saw of it was on December 26th during an insane blizzard, and while a week prior one of the Spidermen had fallen into intensive care at the hospital, this time around they only had to stop for minor technical problems twice, much to my sadistic awkward moment loving viewing pleasure. The following things were things that were great and things that sucked:

1. This guy's playing Peter Parker ----->

Reeve Carney, of the band Carney, appears to be a major douche. His rock style singing doesn't really lend itself to the awkward Peter Parker we all know and love sort of. He comes across as this awkward prepubescent whiny teenager for all of the show, and then he goes to sing a song about being misunderstood by his uncle and busts out these grovel-ly badass vocals. It just doesn't make sense! He also has a hipster physique that doesn't quite help the audience believe when he runs off stage and a much larger buff dude in a Spidey suit jumps out on a zip line cord that it is the same person. However Carney gave the most memorable performance of the show with the exception of the Green Goblin. His best moments of the show seem to be when he is angstily walking in place on a square treadmill that rotates, when he tries out his wallclimbing powers for the first time in his room, and when he wears a spiderman blazer instead of a full spiderman suit that is pretty confusing because I think everyone is supposed to see him in the full spiderman suit, but I'm like clearly this is some kid in a Spiderman blazer that I secretly want but would never wear in public. Here is a video of Carney taking himself way too seriously:

2. Norman Osbourne has a weird southern drawl that only works when he is the Green Goblin. Also, the Green Goblin looks like a parrot. (He also gives probably the best performance of the show when he finally -- I mean like a frigging hour into the show -- turns into the parrot-like menace.)

3. Bono wrote the music. I know there are U2 fans out there, and I myself have caught myself jamming out to "Bloody Sunday" and even "It's a Beautiful Day" sometime in the early 2000's. But I wouldn't really consider myself a fan of their music, or Bono's voice, which is at the same time both unique and totally uninteresting. However, I don't think that at any point his music has lent itself to being suitable for a musical, and most of the songs sound awkward coming out of the actor's mouths. It's almost as if you can see Bono in the wings about ready to just jump in and show them how it's done, because most of the music is written in the sound of his voice, with the exception of a Mary Jane solo and one song that is actually effective at first but then becomes redundant with the amount of times the one good part is repeated throughout the show and echoed by the ensemble. It is clear that the music was written by U2 not because they would produce the best sound for this production, but because people would be interested in hearing what the hell a musical by U2 would sound like, and it sounds a lot like something that sucks ass.

Also, they actually put a pre-existing U2 song into a party scene. WTF?!

4. The flying system made me feel like I was a five year old. By which I mean I actually yelled out from my balcony seat when Spiderman flipped onto the edge of the stage and flew around the entire theatre, landing on a platform like fifty feet from me: "FUCK YES!!!!" I then had to quietly take my seat again, but apparently other people were on their feet too. The four point fly system is every bit as awesome as you think it's going to be. You see the wires obviously, but the exhilarating moments when the actors take to the air is what makes everything about this play that blows fade away and makes the outrageous cost of a ticket to this show totally worth it.

5. There is a completely superfluous group of angsty hipster teenagers as a sort of

greek chorus that all look like this guy --------->

Totally unnecessary and actually confusing to the plot of the story, these hipsters only help to introduce another confusing plotline of Arachni. However they show up throughout the show and it is confusing as to whether or not they are writing a fan fiction version of the Spiderman story we are now watching, because eventually they get caught up in the action of the story they are "writing". They also all suck.

6. Arachni is confusing as hell. There is this "spider-lady" that was a mythological creature that apparently was the first person to bond with spider DNA that Peter and the hipster greek chorus speak about. We see her sing some really interesting songs and have these awesome spider legs that actually seem to function on their own. It is also completely unclear as to what plane she exists on. Sometimes she is in the past. Sometimes she is making out with Peter in his sleep. Sometimes she is like the main focus of the play. Sometimes she has a really shitty British accent. The fact that this character is so confusing (is she just part of Peter's powers reflecting inward upon himself? Is any of this actually happening?) could be one of the most harmful to the plot of the story. Also it was pretty awkward when during a climatic battle scene they had to pause for about ten minutes while Peter and Arachni sat there on their wires looking pissed off. (Apparently this actress has now quit the show)

7. Stage combat? Fuck it Let's DANCE! In staged productions, you are going to get a few

different things out of fight scenes: completely awesome and badass realistic looking fights and stunts, or really stylized lame fight scenes where people just dance around each other. Unfortunately this production featured the latter, and while I didn't care that the fighting looked dumb on the wires as the actors flew around each other (I mean half the time I was expecting someone to fall to their death), the several badass Villain costumes in the second act fell victim to totally stupid looking dance fights where the actors were actually several feet away from each other. (see photo)

8. They quoted lines from the Spiderman movie, and it was just awkward. "Hey Mary Jane! Can I take your picture? For the paper?" "You're going to light up Broadway!" "You know what they say Peter! With great power! (totally fake ass punch from ten feet away) "Comes great responsibility!"

9. All supporting normal people roles were totally blah. Uncle Ben, Aunt May, Mary Jane, every student in the high school, Norman's wife, who gives a shit? Not this play apparently. Let's focus on this totally made up confusing Spider girl plotline!

10. Annoying Jamaican Guy from out of nowhere. During the totally awesome "Villain

fashion show" (because none of the villains outside of Goblin actually do much outside of the really awesome video clips shown on moving screens near the end which was totally badass), at the end of seeing three villains and to show normal city people being affected by them in a ridiculous song and dance, this totally random assed Jamaican dude with a plastic bucket drum would steal every ounce of focus on the stage to basically come out and say "We got dah Spidah! Spidah Man! You know what we talkin bout we got dah Spidah! Spidah Man!" What in the hell is this guy doing here?! GO AWAY JAMAICAN DUDE!!! I'M TRYING TO WATCH SOME BADASS VILLAIN ACTION HERE AND YOU'RE RUINING IT!! AND WHERE THE FUCK IS VENOM FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!?!?!?

Basically, this show was the theatrical equivalent of someone taking a huge shit. But the amount of spectacle and use of characters and artistic creativity and the breathtaking and ER visitation inducing fly system made this show worth going to see. I mean seriously, it has the art of Julie Taymor, the 'what in the hell I have to see this' quality of having U2 do the music, it's on Broadway, it's a SPIDERMAN MUSICAL FOR CHRISTS SAKE, and now the national news is displaying constant injury reports during PREVIEWS, and it's already selling out?! If the show is able to maintain while keeping a minimum of injuries, this thing will sell for a long time to come, regardless of how good it is.

Because isn't that what Broadway is nowadays? "What the hell?! They're making a musical out of _________ the movie?! And it costs 150 bucks per ticket?! Fuck it, I have GOT to see this." Yes, I beleve it is. (Elf the musical, Billy Elliott the Musical, Spamalot, Mary Poppins, Addams Family, Shrek, Little Mermaid High Fidelity The Wedding Singer blah blah blah blah no whammy no whammy STOP)