Drinking and seeing theatre: Why you shouldn't do it.

I'm not talking about getting hammered and seeing theatre. I'm talking about having a couple of drinks and then sitting down to see a play, most likely a show that someone you know is involved with, or a show that someone you know is also attending.

The classic scenario: "Ooo, well there is about fifteen minutes before the show starts, I might as well grab a beer before we go in." You know, to loosen up. So as to enjoy the show more. Or something along those lines. But what you should be doing is asking yourself:

1) "Is there an intermission?"

and 2) "When was the last time I went to the bathroom?"

If you DON'T ask yourself these questions, and instead sit down in a theatre, with no noticeable exits or nearby restrooms designated in your mind, and sit and thumb through the program, or talk to a nearby friend, and don't take notice of the time or the fact that the lights are going down to start the show just as you think to yourself, "oh shit I probably should've gone to the bathroom. Hopefully there is an intermission, I can probably hold it", you will suffer the fate I have suffered many times in the past. The fate of the Dude Who Has to Take a Piss For the Entire Duration of a Performance of Live Dramatic Theatre.

This is not a favorable position to be in. There are many factors to consider. First of all, you came to enjoy a theatre performance. Maybe you paid for your tickets. Maybe your best friend is the lead and got you a free ticket. There is probably someone you know here in the audience. Maybe there is someone important! Maybe there is someone there you might be attracted to! Maybe this show will be epic and life changing and you don't want to have to take your eyes away for a second! Maybe this will be the funniest most quotable thing ever and you'll want to remember the good lines so you can quote them later with your friends! You at least want to make sure you have a good grasp of the play so you can discuss it later with other friends and associates, because noone wants to be the guy whose only view of the play was "Dude I had to piss through that entire thing."

But if you are stuck in this position, there is not a whole lot to do. You may be in a small theatre. With no way out. Blocked by actors, or set pieces, or other audience members. And it's not like you can just get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the show. You may be interrupting a scene! You may be making a noise snapping the actors out of their focus! You may be pissing off other audience members! You can't just get up and leave! The artistic director of the theater is two feet away from you while the guy who wrote it is sitting behind you, your friend is in the middle of their big monologue and everyone else is intently listening to the action of the play, and some dude just walks through the middle of the scene to TAKE A PISS?!?! FOR SHAME!!! You may as well take a big shit in the middle of the space, because everyone will hate you for this act regardless. So you can either look like a big asshole, or suck it up for the next unkown amount of time. In college, I had to get up to take a pee because I couldn't stand it anymore during the mainstage productions of both "How I Learned to Drive" and "Waiting for Godot". There are still people who hate me for this.

So you sit. In agony. And pray for intermission.

And it's not like you're not enjoying the show. It may be a brilliant production. But when your only thought is trying not to remember the lyrics of TLC's "Waterfalls" or not conjure up images of Niagra Falls while sitting in a position that best suppresses the ever increasing pressure on
your bladder while you have your hand on your bag and coat in a braced stance angled toward the door half out of your seat about ready to applaud at every scene transition because you're secretly hoping it's intermission of some sort or the end of the show and you're making faces you hope other people aren't seeing and you're breathing deep diaphragmatic breaths while trying to think of a happy place but only seeing pulsating red and your stomach feels like its going to explode -- it doesn't matter if someone was showing you a secret version of Sin City where Jessica Alba actually got naked in that one scene like she was supposed to, the only thought that will permeate your brain will involve having to take that piss.

Be smart. Go to the bathroom before seeing live theatre.