A Clash of Manliness.

So the other day I did this intense workout and ate a piece of CHICKEN!!! THAT I MADE ON MY FOREMAN GRILL!!!  ACTUALLY THE FOREMAN IS MY ROOMMATES!!  And then I cuddled with a cat and almost cried at this movie:

It was pretty awesome.  A really sweet love story starring Paul Giamatti, which almost sounds hard to imagine, but it was great and all about life and stuff.  Also hilarious at points.  I was getting off the elevator and this older couple had totally missed the point:  "Jeez, there was just not one funny thing in that movie at all."  "Yeah, next time I'm just going to read a book."  And I wanted to rip my shirt off and be like "HEY OLD PEOPLE!! DID YOU JUST WATCH THE SAME THING I DID?! BECUASE THAT WAS GODDAMNED BEAUTIFUL AND EMOTIONAL AND TEACHES YOU LIFE LESSONS LIKE DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE BECAUSE YOU MIGHT GET ALZHEIMER'S!!!"  But I didn't because I was too choked up.  The point is it was good.  Watch it sometime.

Spartacus: Blood and Titties.

Fans of intense hyperviolence and boobs rejoice:  there is a show you should probably watch.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand, is an intensely graphic and awesome TV show series developed by the Starz Network.  Retelling the story of Spartacus, this show plays like a mix between Gladiator and 300 with a softcore porn mixed in from time to time, which sounds crappy, but it is highly entertaining and full of great writing and interesting casting choices.  That is, if you ever wondered what it would be like to see the goofy brother from "The Mummy" series be a tyrannical evil slaveowner and gladiator arena owner, or Lucy Lawless be a sexy Mrs. Robinson-esque vixen, or hundreds of extras willing to get naked.  Which they do.  CONSTANTLY.

Never before have I witnessed a network cable show unleash a constant windstorm of curse words, reference to genitals and sex, gory violence, and nudity in my lifetime.  In other words: IT IS AWESOME.

If you've ever wanted to know what Lucy Lawless, who played Xena: Warrior Princess and a very significant role in the latest Battlestar: Galactica series, looks like naked, look no further.  Because she does so.  A LOT.  The 12 year old boy in me is like Xena Warrior Princess naked? WHAT?!  And I'm all like, no dude, I'm serious.  Because I am.

But I'm not just watching the show because of the chicks.  The storyline is actually pretty intense.  There are all sorts of crazy plot twists (well there was like two).  These characters are vicious, vicious mean people, and will screw over anyone and hurt anyone to get what they want.  I mean there were moments where I was just like, WHOA! I can't believe that just happened.  But all of the slaves are all about honor.  Which is all they have.  So the rich people are evil and the slaves are the good guys and are fighting to get something they will probably never have.  It's a crazy power trade because Spartacus starts out in the Roman empire and then somehow winds up in the gladiator pit.  And has to fight his way to supreme badassery.  There's even a guy who doesn't need to be there but is using his winnings to settle his gambling debt so he can live with his wife and child.  I'm like, dude! Why are you here?  To show off your abs??

And for the ladies, pretty much every dude who isn't rich is totally ripped.  Like 300 style.  And no, it's not just the slave girls that disrobe, there is full frontal nudity from all sides of this shitshow.  There was one point where this rich evil lady was like I want to own a slave gladiator! And they lined a bunch of new recruits up and she's all like ooo I can't decide! And the dude from the mummy is like, let me help you make your decision, and the dudes all whip their junks out so she can decide! And in the same episode one of the main characters is carrying on a strategic conversation with someone while having sex with a slave girl in front of like twenty people!! I'm like this is on network television?! Or in my case, Netflix on Demand?! Como WHAT?!

And it doesn't stop there.  Half of the budget for this show must have been spent on fight coreography and CGI blood and gore effects.  Heads get cut off, intestines get spilled, people constantly get marred, and one time they crucified a guy and cut off his junk.  Are you SERIOUS?! How is this HAPPENING?! It was like, "you know what would make a great idea for a TV show?  Caligula.  Times 100."  And don't even get me started on the season finale.  WOOF.

This is the most graphic entertaining show I've seen probably ever, or at least one of the more entertaining.  There's so much shock value it's hard to look away.  They're apparently making a second season, but the guy playing Spartacus was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, so I'm not sure based on the trailer if he will be in it, especially since it looks like a prequel to Spartacus actually getting to the gladiator arena.  But one thing's for sure, there will probably be a whole lot of blood, and a whole lot of titties.

See also this hilarious blog:  http://lafayettewright.wordpress.com/2010/04/14/titties-not-returning-to-spartacusblood-and-sand/

A Cortiva Graduation speech from Devans.

This might be lame-o, but in case you were wondering what I said during the speech I made at my massage school graduation (they actually didn't know I was speaking apparently), here it is.

Also, the woman who spoke before me used pretty much my same line about how at first a lot of us were timid about undressing to be massaged in class, and how by the end we were all fine with getting naked, so I preempted the speech with:  "I also have a joke in my speech about getting naked, so, there's that."

Congratulations.  You all have superpowers.

I pretty much gave up all hope of this when I turned 18 and nothing happened, and when the chances of being bitten by a radioactive spider or falling into a vat of toxic waste kept becoming increasingly slim.  But those things would probably kill a person, and you can only blame your parents for not possessing superhero genes so much. 

But then about a year ago, I decided to come to the Cortiva Institute of Massage, as did all of you.

I watched as a year flew by, friendships were made, and a wealth of knowledge was endowed upon all of us.

I watched as each of us grew exponentially, discovering this new path we could now embark upon.

I remember a year ago when some of us would go into crying fits at the very mention of having to remove an article of clothing, and how months later those very same people would gladly hop butt naked onto any table you set before them.  With sheets, of course.

I watched as these relationships blossomed, these new and young professionals grew, and saw myself gaining a newfound desire to help as many people as I could.

You all have the ability to heal.  To change people's lives for the better.  And to affect the direction of your own lives as well. 

Will you use these powers for good or evil?

But I know all of us will do great things with the powers that have been bestowed upon us, and will go on to create change in life, whether it is the people around us, or our own. 

And for that, I could not be more thankful.

Paul Bettany, you are NOT a badass.

Paul Bettany, we need to have a talk.  First off, you already eternally pissed me off by getting married to the girl of my dreams (Jennifer Connelly, although that was a few years ago, now she's kindof wiry and smarmy as hell), so that's 1 right off the bat.  But I put up with it because I enjoyed you in such roles like the invisible sidekick in A Beautiful Mind, or the naked sidekick in A Knight's Tale:



But Paul Bettany, for the sake of everything that is holy, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP!!! WHAT YOU ARE DOING.  If you don't know, his last two movies have been these pseudo religious/action movies.  One where he plays a descended archangel come to Earth to protect an apparently important group of people at a random gas station from an onslaught of evil ass angels who have been sent by God to attack them.  It's called Legion, and it BLOWS.



His latest failed attempt at being a badass is called Priest, and it pretty much looks like Legion Part 2.  Which means I can only assume it will suck an equal to proportionate if not heavier load of donkey balls.



It's almost like someone said to him, "Paul Bettany, if you're going to keep carrying on like you have with Jennifer Connelly, the dream girl of Ted Evans and millions everywhere, you're going to have to earn your keep and be way more of a badass.  And no, starring alongside Kirsten Dunst in 'Wimbledon" doesn't count."

Paul Bettany, I'm here to tell you to put down the pseudo religious action movie scripts, go back to being witty and British, hand over the Jennifer Connelly, and walk away.  And Jennifer Connelly, please revert back to your Rocketeer body.  That is all.

Actorspeak, or, Why Being a Chicago Actor is Annoying.

DISCLAIMER:  In the following, I am talking about stuff that I do on a regular basis.  I'm not trying to rag on anyone, just talk about my own experiences.

If you're an actor in the Chicago theatre scene, you've done this.  And you probably do it on a regular basis.

Actorspeak:  When two actors have a conversation that exists entirely about what shows they are currently doing.  Example:  "Hey man! How's it going?"   "Great! I'm working on blah blah at blah blah theatre company, we start shows in a few weeks."  "Awesome! I just got called in for blah blah and I've got auditions lined up at blah blah and I have a callback on Friday."  "Oh man! How'd you get to audition for that?"  "Well I was in blah blah and this person saw me and called me in."  "Oh that's great! Good for you.  Well I gotta go, see ya later!"

It's not necessarily a bad thing.  This is how friends keep up with each other.  This is like two businessmen discussing what accounts they're currently working on.  Because that's what we all do, talk about what we're doing at the moment.

But actorspeak can also be ANNOYING.

Primarily because when it happens, it's not always just about what's going on currently.  It's like this bizarro competition.  And this occurs because of the nature of what we do.  It's isolating and communal at the same time.  We all are friends with other actors.  We all want to be successful, and we basically want everyone else we know and love to be successful too.  But the only way that this competition doesn't exist is when both actors are doing equally well.  By which I mean they're doing a play they love, or are getting paid actual money to act, or are working for a reputable theatre company, etc. etc.

In Chicago, a lot of theatre companies cannot afford to pay their actors.  It's this storefront theatre community that makes Chicago what it is, but it is also rough to rehearse 5 days a week for 4+ hours a day for several months for a show that will run for a month or more and get paid fifty dollars or less.  Don't get me wrong, the best theatre I've done hasn't paid, and I have been very fortunate to do some great work and work with some amazing people, and I fully plan to continue to do so.  Chicago is home to some of the best original plays and everyone here works because they love it and want to produce the best art they can.  It's what makes it great to be here.

But you gotta pay that rent.

So we get day jobs we don't want, looking at gchat and facebook and hoping we can get a boss who is cool with us leaving for auditions from time to time, we take out credit cards, we lean on our parents, or we adjust our lives so that we can get by on less.

However there are several large theatres that can afford to pay their actors, and pay them enough to at least get by on.  They are Equity houses, and put up plays that a lot of us want to be in because of this fact.  But the odds that you can get cast there are often slim, and they are seemingly very tricky in how they go about casting.  Sometimes you just have to know someone who puts in a good word for you, or you get called in because someone saw you in something else, or you might be one of those lucky few who go to one of their large cattle call auditions and get cast (often only equity members can make appointments so nonequity actors will wait for hours to MAYBE audition).  Also, a lot of these theatres only rehearse during the day! With eventual performances at night! So if you did have a part time job and you do get cast at one of these places, it's a predicament.  But of course any one of us would drop everything to work at one of these places, and that's a great idea because all of us - ALL OF US - just want to be acting and doing only that to get by.  But what about when that show ends?  Well hopefully you've impressed enough people to get cast again in something else that pays.  But that isn't always the case.  It's not something you can depend on.  Because that's how we live.  Constantly changing, constantly grouping and ungrouping, making new friends, leaving old friends behind, the whole thing is beautiful and horrible and magical and inspiring and trite and problematic at the same time.  It's why we do it.  Because theatre is unlike anything else.  And it's for the love of it that we take on these potentially chaotic lifestyles.

And it's all of these factors combined into a big mixing pot of actors working in paid and unpaid and wonderful and mediocre theatre that causes this almost vulture-like spirit of competition when we get together and talk, often while auditioning.  Listen next time you are in a room full of actors waiting to audition, and don't focus on any one conversation in particular, just feel the ebb and flow of the conversations happening.  Listen for key words like "equity", "headshots", "agent", "callback",  "called in", and "show" among others, and wait for the moment when everyone in the room has told the other person what shows they are currently working on and vice versa, and the room suddenly goes silent.  This is actorspeak.  Now stay in that room for the next four to six hours, while these conversations repeat over and over again.  You now know what it is like to be at a cattlecall audition.  It's annoying.

I'm not saying I don't do this.  I do it.  All the time.  I don't mean to! I'm curious as to what other people are working on.  But it's the moment when the other person is working on something better than you are that this fiery sense of competition flares up.  How did you get that?  How could you have possibly gotten that audition call and I didn't?  Who do you know? Is often what is going through our minds when we are out of work speaking to someone who is getting paid to act.  And this isn't a normal or logical jealousy.  We see each other as peers, so thus we should all be getting similar attention and similar offers.  But that's just not going to happen.  This kindof jealousy transcends talent, sex, and race.  "I can't believe you got a callback and I didn't!"  "It was an all female cast!  WTF??"

And what if you are working in theatre and you are talking to someone who isn't currently working?  You aren't rubbing it in their faces, you worked hard or made the right connections, and you're obviously talented enough to be working where you are and deserve it.  But sometimes telling someone all the great things that you're doing comes across as gloating.  But why should it?? WHY?

It's because we all want something so bad that we've centered our lives around it, we all have a fiery passion and desire to make this our LIFE, and there frankly just isn't enough room for everyone, and it sucks.

So we start thinking of other things we can do.  Maybe I'll go to LA, or New York (where it isn't any better than this, at least here we can do theatre and continue working despite no pay and hope that eventually our careers snowball into continual work).  I'll take up a series of training courses and things to improve my craft and make connections (which is one of the best things we can do).  Maybe I'll go to grad school (which we should really do if we want to teach.  As an actress once told me when I mentioned my idea to apply at one of the Chicago theatre schools: "I think there's a lot of cheaper ways to get cast." Not that there's anything wrong with grad school).  But what we as actors need to do is love the work we do, and realize that we're maybe not always going to get paid for every show we do, while never letting up on the pursuit of continual and eventual longevity in this field.

I will always continue to be an actor, whether in Chicago or not.  Every city presents a different set of obstacles and frustrations and problems for the aspiring actor. But as long as we can continue to grow and learn and create new and brilliant work, I think it is worth it, whatever we do.  And I will from here work on squelching my jealousy, because I do want to be happy for everyone and myself, no matter what we do.

Also, I am currently working on a sketch show called "Full Body Scam" which will be at Donny's Skybox at Second City Fridays in January-February, and I start rehearsals for a show in March with Filament Theatre Ensemble for Sarah Ruhl's "Eurydice", and Funemployed Season 2 is coming out, and I'm going on a lot of voiceover auditions, so you know, I'm doing pretty good.

P90X Day 1.

So as douchey as it is, to help myself do this, I'm going to write a short sentence on this blog per day that I do the P90X workout.  If you don't know it's this really intense cross training workout program that involves a radical diet change, and six days of intense hour long workouts that alternate to cause muscle confusion and guarantee you are ripped by the end of 90 days if you do everything they say. 

I probably should have done more to gear up for this, including buying all of the supplements and made sure I have every single frigging grocery item on this gigantic list they provide, (I will get those eventually but they are expensive!  And I just wanted to start doing this frigging thing instead of just talking about it), I have started watching what I eat and only drinking water instead of the constant flow of soda and beer into my body I am used to.  So from here on out, just one short sentence about how it went that day, or something I did. 

Day 1:  I barely did half the exercises, and I still want to die.